The first: Married with Parents (as in – the opposite of Married with Children starring Modern Family’s Ed O’Neil).

The second: 30 Something Grandma’s (as in – the MOST AMAZING CONCEPT FOR A SHOW EVER!)

Here are the deets. Go forth and make yourself famous.

 

#1: The Casting Firm and a Major Cable Network are now casting families with MARRIED COUPLES and THEIR PARENTS currently living in the same house.

• Are you parents who’ve taken in your married son or daughter and their spouse due to unique circumstances?
• Are you a newlywed couple still living under your parent’s roof that either loves living at home OR can’t wait to get out of your current living situation?
• Parents; have you moved in with your son or daughter’s family and find it challenging living under their roof with their rules?

Whatever the situation may be, if you find yourself residing in the same house with your spouse AND your parents, then we want to hear from you! This is a chance to share your unique story with America!

If you or someone you know has a big personality and great story, EMAIL US RIGHT AWAY! Include family photos along with the names and ages of each family member living at home, as well as a brief description of the family dynamic.

Write “Family Project” along with your last name and the city and state that you reside in the subject line of your email, and make sure to include a CONTACT NUMBER with your submission.

CASTINGS@THECASTINGFIRM.COM

***Families will be compensated for their time. All participants must be legal US residents.

#2 The Casting Firm and a Major Cable Network are conducting a nationwide search for mothers in their 30’s….who have a grandchild!

Seeking young grandmothers for a starring role in the brand new series “30 Something Grandmas”. The show will showcase the stories of extraordinary women whose lives have been changed by
the unexpected arrival of a new family member and the even more surprising title of “Grandma”!

Are you in your 30’s and your son or daughter is expecting a baby, or already has one?
Is your teen son or daughter far too young to be having a child and making you a grandmother in your early thirties?
Is your son or daughter and grandchild living at home with you, and how do you make your family dynamic work?

This is a chance to share your unique story with America! If you or someone you know would be a great fit, email The Casting Firm right away! Include family photos, names, ages, and let us know why you’d like to share your story.

CASTINGS@THECASTINGFIRM.COM

Write “3O SOMETHING” in the subject line along with your Last Name, and City and State that you reside in. Please make sure to include a CONTACT NUMBER with your submission as well so we can follow up.

***Selected families will be compensated. All participants must be legal US residents.

To find out more about the Casting Firm visit: www.TheCastingFirm.com

So much so, the fabulous HGTV Design Star winner Emily Henderson (and her team of goddessess Lana and Linsday), asked me to write a piece for her kick-ass, uh-may-zing, 238-page Holiday Guide, which is available RIGHT NOW, starting today.

It’s a thick, juicy guide to help gift givers of navigate the murky waters of What-The-Hell-Do-I-Get-My-In-Laws Lake?

My piece is about how to craftily gift and re-gift inexpensive DIY presents that look pricy… for those special people in your life that you’d rather regal with a big, steamy lump of coal.

Check it out!

PS. Thank you Linz Loves You… for letting me temporarily borrow your beautiful Bitchlorette font for my site without asking first. I like to match. That’s why I’m so STYLISH.

In an effort to rid myself of the piss yellow and lipstick red decor I’ve been ashamed of for over a year, I’ve spent the morn’ trying to redesign the site to no avail. So please bless this mess and bear with the blurry images and poor layout until my lovely web guru and DIY darling Lana gets here and tells me what to do.

Until then: here’s a pitch black photo of me performing in Taboo Tales last night. I am also not a photographer.

No, that’s not Andrew McCarthy.

I am so goddamn sick and tired of blogging about reality shows. I’ll still watch them, but I’m going to stop exclusively writing about them on this blog – unless something truly riveting occurs on Tough Love this season.

I’ll be revamping the site soon, but in the meantime – here’s my new Twitter handle: @bitchlorette ( http://twitter.com/bitchlorette).

Yeah, yeah… still kind of a reality show bend. I can’t quit cold turkey. I’m not Jesus.

P.S. Those aren’t my tits.

1. Gold gown

After ditching the beach blonde and donning a new ‘do, the aspiring dentist made jaws drop in Episode 1 by wearing a low cut Randi Rahm Swarovski crystal-studded gold gown and mile high strappy heels. If she had any idea of the adventure she’d soon embark upon, our guess is she would have packed flats.

2. Farmer’s Daughter

In Episode 2, Ashley greeted her gentlemen callers wearing this come hither “farmer’s daughter” get up. Though clearly in LasVegas, an argument could be made that she mistook her location for a dude ranch.

3. Jabbawockeez

Who knew Ashley was such a homeboy? Channeling her inner Kanye, Ashley hit the stage with the Jabbawockeez to show off her sweet dance moves, and of course those rock hard abs, to her leading men. At least she had on sensible shoes.

4. Mini dress

On her date with William (a.k.a the least funny comedian ever), Ashley strutted her stuff in a super sexy mini dress and chic brown leather jacket. In a pinch, she ditched the jacket and walked down the aisle for a faux wedding ceremony in this curve hugging gown. Yes, the outfit was kind of trashy for a chapel – but hey, this is Vegas. Luckily, her dress was white.

5. Wet dog

Take it from The Bachlorette’s Episode 5, nothing says romance like manual labor. After a rainy day fixing up an orphanage, Ashley’s outfit went from red hot to wet dog. The boots are practical, but those microscopic cut-offs and midriff baring shirt? She could have caught a cold!

6. Active wear

And it’s a tough choice. Ben is a charming Californian winemaker with a full head of marvelous hair and a brawny build. JP is a lanky New York construction manager with a sexy buzz cut and fragile heart. While it’s true Ashley can only pick one strapping young buck to start her life with, we thought it would be fun to see what both weddings would look like.

Keep reading to see hastily thrown together vision boards!

If Ashley picks Ben…

Since Ben’s family owns a vineyard, plan on a wine country wedding. Think rolling hills, lush greenery and rustic elegance. If next week’s previews are any indication, Ashley will obviously NOT be inviting her mean, tattooed sister. Instead she’ll ask Ben’s sweet, ink-free sibling to be her maid of honor. They’ll go dress shopping in nearby San Fran for a whimsical wedding gown. Nothing too fancy – you can’t upstage mother earth. Ben will wear a casual suit, no tie. Since even the finest wine can stain, the bridesmaids’ dresses will be a deep burgundy. For rings, Ashley will go for simple yet stunning. It can’t be too blingy or she’ll blind her patients every time her fingers get near their mouths.

As for the honeymoon, the couple has already been to the most romantic spots on earth. So they’d opt to trek off the grid to  Argentina for some R&R – as long as Ashley gets to bring high heels.

On the flipside, if Ashley chooses JP…

…It’s off to New York, where the nuptials will take place near JP’s family on Long Island. Assuming ABC would be paying to televise the wedding (which I’m sure they are), the couple would seek out the crème de la crème Long Island wedding locale: Oheka Castle. Often booked for years, JP might have to grease some palms to get the date they want.

No worry, Long Island is where all the mobsters live, so that won’t be a problem. Ashley will head to Manhattan and hit up Kleinfeld for a possible cameo on Say Yes To The Dress, where she’ll try on gorgeous gown after gorgeous gown before settling on a truly over the top number to match the opulence of Oheka. No one wants to get upstaged by a building. Ashley’s will also amp up her ring bling by picking a finger breaking diamond encased with more diamonds, surrounded by even more diamonds.

Deep down the duo is pretty simple, so for their honeymoon they’ll cheese out and hit the Poconos for some old school romancin’ or maybe head north to Niagara Falls where they can canoodle in a heart shaped bed for two. Wherever they go, it better be warm enough for Ashley to bare her midriff.

Even in wedlock, that belly button needs to breathe.

This week, Ben, Constantine and JP hit up Fiji to further woo their lady. But they’re not alone. After a brief recap of the last three standing, Ryan shows up out of the blue to make one last play for Ashley’s heart.

It could have been worse. Jake Pavleka, I’m talking to you.

Read on…!

He sits her down and talks her ear off in an attempt to rekindle a spark. Ashley’s flame, however, might be decidedly snuffed. So she tells Ryan that she’ll think about it, and shuffles him out the door.

Why? Because it’s date time, baby, and Ben is up. Ashley shows up in a belly baring bikini top and takes her wine-making man for a ride on a yacht, where they make out like teenagers before a quick snorkel session. That night at dinner, Ben eagerly accepts the fantasy suite invitation and the tipsy twosome continue their canoodling in a private pool, then… a private bed.

The next day, Ashley washes off the scent of Ben’s cologne and meets up with Constantine for what else but a helicopter ride. They cruise the friendly Fijian skies and take in the sites. Unbeknownst to them, Ryan is on the ground contemplating his future with Ashley. She’s kept him on ice for a few days, and Ryan is aching for a chance to thaw her heart out. He’ll have to keep waiting because Ashley and Constantine continue their date with a waterfall swim and picnic. Ashley seems a tad bothered that she can’t quite read Constantine. He’s holding back and Ashley worries that he’s not willing to jump into a relationship. At dinner, Constantine lays it out and tells Ashley that he is not in a place where he can accept the fantasy suite because he is not in love with her.

Ashley is none too pleased when Constantine tells her that it’s the end of the road for him. He was ready to find love, had it been there. Oh, snap.

So the next day, Ashley goes RUNNING to Ryan to replace Constantine.

Kidding. She pulls a Constantine and kicks him to the curb.

So this leaves JP. Ashley picks him up wearing a white-trash wedding dress—jean shorts and a poncho—and takes him on a private plane to a private beach, where they publicly make out for hours. At dinner, Ashley tells a very nervous and jealous JP that she sent two guys packing, which pleases JP immensely. Of course he accepts the fantasy suite key, where they hit the hay in a big way.

Even though there are only two dudes left, Ashley still puts them through a rose ceremony. Both guys accept, of course.

Next week, the men tell all. Bentley, you’ve been missed.

Read all about why this coal miner’s daughter with a heart of gold will make the Best. Bachelorette. Ever… after the jump!

This post comes courtesy of YourTango.com, where I just wrote a PRO EMILY response to her return to TV.

Any ABC reality show aficionado knows the drill—the next Bachelor or Bachelorette is always a cast off from the previous cycle. This season’s silver medal castiff from last season’s The Bachelor is Ashley Herbert, whom thanks to Bentley, has brought nothing but nonstop drama, mental breakdowns and tears to the rose wrangling gig.

What could top that, right? Maybe this: rumor has it that ABC execs are in talks to bring back not a cast-off, but the former fiancée of one Brad Womack, former Bachelor. Yup, Emily Maynard is this close to being the next Bachelorette. According to Us Weekly, “she hasn’t officially signed on yet, but it looks like a done deal.”

Not only is Emily Maynard the most gorgeous gal to ever step out of a limo, with that Barbie blonde hair and movie star smile, but she’s also nice. Like, really nice. And her back-story? You couldn’t write a sadder tale about how her one true love died tragically the same week she found out she was pregnant. Goldmine, right? She tugs the hearts of lady viewers and gets the hearts racing of male viewers.

That being said, didn’t Emily herself repeat ad nauseum about how it was nearly impossible to open her heart up; that leaving her daughter Ricky—now 6 years old—for months on end was torture; and letting a man meet said spawn was pretty much out of the question unless he put a ring on it?

Yup. This is why she’ll make THE BEST Bachelorette of all time.

First of all, she’s nearly flawless—in looks and manners. If we learned anything from Ashley this year, all pretty much goes out the window when you’re courting 15 dudes all over the world. How will Emily keep her sunny disposition when she’s trudging through a Taiwanese jungle in the rain? How will she put on lipstick when she’s riding a camel through the Sahara? That will be fun to watch.

Second, being so nice—how will Emily grow the southern balls to break her suitors’ hearts week after week? What if she can’t do it? Will she just marry them all?

Thirdly, you know the bachelors are going to bring their A-game, big time. My bet is the cast will be chock full of supermodel-lawyer-doctors who can still change a tire in the rain, and once they get a look at the vision standing before them, they are gonna to fight to the death to guard and protect Emily’s fragile heart.

The final reason Emily Maynard will make the best Bachelorette ever can be summed up in one word: Bentley.

I have no doubt that the producers will convince the bad boy single dad to come back and finally get his day in the sun with Emily. After all, it’s what he wanted in the first place, right?

With so much juicy drama to feast on with Emily as the Bachelorette, it should be pretty easy to look past the fact that she’s pretty much going against everything she stood for during Brad’s season. But that lure of fame, fortune and fawning can be seductive—even if you are a coal miner’s daughter.